Hot spittle.

I hope that the horrible pain I'm feeling in my back wasn't caused by the hospital cot, because if that's the case, it won't be going away for a month or more. It could honestly be a number of things; standing on my feet all day at work, riding my bike (which has drop handlebars), my insoles, cot-sleepin'. It might just be the normal fluctuations of my back pain, which roll in and roll out unpredictably -- both similar and dissimilar to ocean tides.

Today marks what could be my last day of veganism. However, I think I'm sticking to it. Mostly because it really hasn't been that hard, and I'm losing hella weight, but also partially because I just started this new job and explained to a bunch of co-workers exactly what it means that I'm vegan. I don't want to just mysteriously stop now, because I'd feel lame.

Something really flattering is that my friend Lisa wants to do a blog post about my style. I feel like it's really misleading to call how I dress "stylish", because I don't actually go to the effort of styling anything, but rather just find cool pieces at thrift or vintage stores, and throw on a pair of loafers or flats, and maybe a hat. So I feel like doing a feature like that would just be me showing off the cool stuff I found at various thrift stores.

Dingaling.

There is no alarm quite like the sound of the person you love crying in pain.

Just sent Sean off to the ER -- he couldn't talk quite enough to tell me what was wrong, except that everything hurt. I had to call his mom and ask her to take him to the hospital, because I have to work in a couple of hours. This past week has been pretty rough. I always wish that Sean could do stuff and enjoy himself before he goes into the hospital, especially because this time is going to be for so long. But by the time his admission date rolls around, he's always feeling really shitty because it's been so long since his last chemo, and his tumors are all swelling again and hurting him.

Actually, I guess Sean does enjoy himself before he goes in. He just does it by playing music with other people, an activity in which I am not involved. I only see the exhausted aftermath of any enjoyable thing that he does.

I don't know what they're going to do about this pain that he's in. He was going to get admitted tomorrow anyway, and if he needs surgery or anything (because it's quite possible this is a kidney stone) it could very well delay the bone marrow transplant he's scheduled to begin pre-meds for tomorrow.

Hopefully, this will all be over soon. It won't, but I still hope for it. I don't even know if we've hit the worst of it yet.

Faux toes.

I thought I'd share a few photos; mostly to generate some interest in my blog. These were all taken today -- less than thirty minutes ago, in fact!

This is my lovely boy, correcting the paint job I did on that chair.



My bike in my parents' backyard. I love those sunken garbage cans, which my mom wants to start using for compost. I think that will make the yard very inviting for vermin.



The blogger herself.

Day off

I have a joyous day off today. To begin it, I slept in until past eleven, which was unheard of even during the months in which I was unemployed. Upon waking up, I put clothes into the washing machine.

Now, here I am. I decided to blog before I did anything significant with my day, not realizing that it would hinder my ability to write anything meaningful or interesting.

I've been missing a lot of Sean's appointments because of work, and it's harder than I thought. I hate making him talk about the stuff after it's over, because there are only a few moments during which he can forget what he's gone through, and I don't want to make any more time miserable for him than is necessary. Because of this, I should feel stoked that he has his consent signing appointment today, but it just feels kind of miserable. Every appointment his bone marrow transplant coordinator is involved in leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth, because he hates her, and is clearly trying not to lose his shit every time she's in the room.

I wanted to go thrift store shopping, but I have neither money, nor a car. I believe I get paid on Friday, but there are many things I should do before thrift shopping. Pay my parents back, pay off big chunks of my credit card bill, put money into savings for an apartment...

It just seems never ending.

Feeling fairly dissatisfied

I guess if I want to make work bearable, I need to do other things that I really love. The problem is, I'm not really sure what I enjoy doing.

Getting the ball rolling.

I've actually had a pretty accomplished day. Went to work from 11-3; a period of time that was shockingly dull, considering all the training I had to cover. Working those hours really messes up my eating schedule. I wake up automatically around 9, and I'm usually ravenous either when I wake up, or shortly after I wake up. I eat around 9:30, and get hungry again around 2. I only get a 10 minute break for these short shifts around 1, and I'm never hungry that early. Hopefully my body will throw me a bone sometime soon and fucking acclimate, because that last hour is pretty miserable.

Anyway, my problems are small.

When I got home, Sean was awake, and we went out and posted fliers for his show on Friday. I got to do a little shopping, because the stores in which we taped them up were mostly thrift. I bought a straw cloche-style hat from Cuff's as a birthday present, and I think it will be a staple this summer.

Sean and I returned from advertising and a trip to the hardware store, and we sat in the backyard working on projects. He's sanding and painting one of his guitars, and I'm painting and re-upholstering a chair that was sitting on my grandparents' porch for about a decade. Both of us are teaching ourselves. I just left him outside on his own, because I ran out of paint.

I found some people looking for a roommate in their apartment, and emailed them. Even if they don't email me back, it feels really good that I'm in the position to move out.

Birthday

Today is my birthday. I stayed up late last night cleaning my room so that I wouldn't wake up to a big mess on my birthday. Despite that, I woke up and cleaned the kitchen.

I then rode the ol' bike to have coffee with Hollis and Jenny on Hollis' lunch break. Starbucks was nice enough to give me the day off today, although I only started training yesterday. The pressure's really off on the training materials, because they're really strict about not working while you're not getting paid. I also have Saturday off, which is great, because on Friday Sean has another show at Old Ironsides with Phantom Jets and another band I'd never heard of. The training days are pretty painless anyway -- just the reading of a few little booklets.

Anyway, hopefully I'll be going thrifting later today -- possibly with my mother. Tonight, I have no idea what's going to happen. Probably nothing.

Today

went to Sean's cousin's wedding. It was my first ever catholic mass, and an experience, although not a learning one.

Right now, I'm actually going through one of the worst conversations I've ever had. Although I have a blog, I'm not THAT much of an exhibitionist, so I'll just stop there. Suffice to say, I was supposed to be hanging out with Hollis tonight, drinking mojitos in celebration of my birthday, and instead I'm laying in bed with a puffy face, googling 24 hour pharmacies in my area.

16th Street Benefit

There wasn't a great turn out at the benefit show last night, which was unfortunate, as it may be Sean's band's last show. However, I got to see Dog Party for the second time, and they even played a longer set. Those girls are just amazingly talented -- at 14 and 11, they're so much better than most of the local musicians twice as old.

My parents came, and Sean gave them a shout out, which was nice of him and for them. It was relevant, because the megaphone he sings out of was their Christmas gift to him.

After the show and unloading equipment, Sean and I stumbled upon Alaric and Lisa walking home, and ended up hanging out for an hour or so. It was a great out-of-the-ordinary post-show celebration.

I am really not feeling my writing right now, so I'm gonna wrap up.

(I do think it's really amusing that I linked to Lisa's blog on here, as she is my only follower!)

Beep beep boop.

I am very apprehensive about Sean's bone marrow biopsy tomorrow. They really mess him up. He's going into the hospital for a heavy dose of Oxycontin beforehand, which hopefully will make the aftermath less painful.

I tracked down spring roll wraps today, which turned into an hour of (predictably) spring roll wrapping. The little darlings were filled with rice noodles, carrots, mint, cilantro, bean sprouts, and basil. The first thing I dipped them in was a homemade peanut sauce, but when that ran out, I just moved onto Trader Joe's Soyaki, which turned out to be even better. I'm on a mission to make a perfect peanut sauce, but I lost my touch after the first couple of attempts.

Now, the fridge is full of leaves, and I must find a use for them so as not to waste. Ideas?

Work starts on Monday, my birthday on Tuesday. I wish I'd have money for my birthday, but it doesn't really matter. Something that really does suck, though, is that Sean and I really wanted to take a small trip somewhere in celebration. Thinking of the timetable, though, this really doesn't work. He has his biopsy tomorrow, and his benefit show on Wednesday. On Thursday, my friend is coming into town (not completely vital for me to stay, but I rarely see her, and we are very close), then on Friday, Sean's cousin is getting married. Monday, I start working, and have no idea what kind of hours I'll get.

We talked today a bit about moving, though. Obviously, his health is the most important thing, and it's impossible to make rigid plans, but neither of us want to stay in Sacramento forever, nor in the USA forever. That's as specific as we can get at this point, but the prospect of moving and traveling again got me very excited.

Pretzel M&Ms

Today was my fourth day of eating vegan, and besides not putting cheese on a pizza I made, I haven't noticed the difference.

Sean has been eating a good (?) amount of pretzel m&ms, in which I can not partake. I suppose it's probably for the best.

He had his psych evaluation today, and more problems with his meds. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like when all of this is over; every day has been starting with something stressful, and I'm really ready for that to be over. However, I can imagine that after he gets better, daily events will feel just too calm, like there's an explosion waiting to happen. Almost our entire relationship has been like it is now, with near-daily hospital visits, and occasional stressful medicine refills -- I'm really excited to find out how we fade out of that habit, and into normal life.

Not that things will be easy anytime soon. Sean will be in the hospital for 4-6 weeks beginning as early as June 18th. When he gets out, he's facing daily hospital visits to get blood drawn for 1-2 months. Basically, for the six months after his transplant, he won't be going more than two weeks without a hospital visit for labs. It all seems impossible right now, but I know we'll just plow through until everything is done. The first transplant seemed impossible too, until we did it.

Employed.

I got a job. It's at Starbucks. Not as local as I'd hoped, but I hear it's a good company to work for.

This means I can move out of my parents' house, which I'm very excited about. I've never lived on my own in Sacramento before. It probably won't be as interesting as I imagine, but maybe it will be similar to when I first started driving, when the places and streets I'd traveled so many times become suddenly unfamiliar. As soon as I've saved up money for rent and a deposit, I'll be looking for a place. Sean's long hospital stay for his transplant begins earliest on June 17th, and we're planning on moving in together when he gets out. It will be weird, though, if I'm hunting alone for the first apartment we'll live in together. I think the recovery will be better for him this time if he has a home to come to, instead of a parent's house in which he is required to be.

Hopefully after this, his cancer will be completely gone, so he's not in constant debilitating pain during the recovery. Hoping his cancer is gone probably goes without saying.

Chris, 19th and N

Today, a man stopped me on the street and asked if I wanted him to be my lover. This was particularly tacky, because before that, I'd told him I have a fiance, and that my fiance has cancer.

Then I remembered how dominant I used to get when I lived in SF and people talked to me on the street. Joe told me he felt the most safe with me around creepy people (particularly creepy homeless people). I pushed a guy on the beach when he tried to hug me, after I'd denied him a cigarette. I yelled when some creep came up to Camille, Ayumi, and I and stuck his hand down his pants. I pulled some Matrix-style reflex out of the air when a dude tried to put his hat on my head. Somewhere in Germany, somewhere from the helpless looks I had when people would try to talk to me in a foreign language, I became helpless. When I first moved back to the US, through sheer force of conditioning, I was unbearably nervous in restaurants when it came to be my time to order -- in my own language.

I have no end to this post. Just stuff I was thinking about.

99% of germs.

My first day of eating vegan has almost passed by me, and the only variation on how my days normally go is that I think much more about what's in the food that I'm making. The food itself hasn't changed. I didn't exactly switch my diet from completely carnivorous to purely plant-based (nice alliteration, eh? I should write for Cosmo!). I've been vegetarian for six years, and for three or four of those years (non-consecutively), have cut milk out of everything I eat and cook. I also replaced butter with Earth Balance when I moved to San Francisco, only altering that habit when I lived in Germany and the product wasn't available. Still, claiming veganism feels like a big change.

Other than my food, I've mostly been thinking about advertising. Sean and I were watching TV on YouTube last night, and there was a Lysol ad for a soap pump with a motion-sensing dispenser, similar to this one. It angers me to no end what lows the advertising industry will stoop to, just to scare consumers. It also offends me that these people think I'm stupid enough not to realize that if you're touching the soap pump to begin with, it's probably to pump soap; probably the very soap that is supposed to kill 99% of the germs on my hands.

I hope that everyone who watches TV sees the idiocy in this product right away. I'm pretty sensitive to TV ads, as I saw virtually none of them from ages five to thirteen, but I think this one is too blatant to miss.

I may also use this as an outlet to share some photographs of clothing I wear or food I eat. I don't have consistent access to a camera, but I can use one from time to time. Food photographs are usually unappealing, as I often eat indian food (which tends to look just like a puddle of mush on a plate), and outfit photos require me to overcome my extreme self-consciousness about full-body photographs. Maybe paying such close attention to what I eat for the next month will help me with the latter problem.

This blog has begun, in my opinion, rather poorly. I am, however, going to attempt to update every day, as incentive to spend some of your internet time reading my humble words!

For now, Sean and I are just laying in bed, on separate laptops, occasionally having involved discussions of things like Scientology, or Party Down. He's spending a lot of his time organizing his next Hodgkin's Lymphoma research benefit show, which I am trying to telepathically involve myself in. As I am not in school, not working, broke, and living at my parents' house, I am fairly desperate for anything that will give my life meaning and/or quash my boredom. Since I moved back from Germany -- which was almost a year ago, I keep realizing -- I've been feeling rather directionless.