I feel like I'm supposed to be learning something about how to deal with helplessness. Like, at some point in the future, through something traumatic, I'm going to be able to just sit back and let things happen, because of something I'll know about this helpless feeling that I currently can't shake. I have many issues with being out of control -- this manifests itself most accessibly in vehicles I am not driving/piloting -- and I think that if things continue as they are now, it's just going to drive me crazy. However, I have always gone through my life refusing important lessons, no matter how conveniently packaged they are, no matter how simple it would be to just tear off their wrappers and devour them. The more likely scenario, I think, will be that at some distant future point, I'll be struggling to remember how I dealt with what's going on now, because certainly I must have figured out a constructive way.
It's hard for me to accept that I'm twenty-two with a fiance going through horribly rough treatment for a notoriously awful disease, and I'm going to come out of it with less clarity than I had when it began.
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